Lately, I’ve realised that trying to be a grown-up has made me shrink again. I’ve been thinking smaller, and my voice has quietened. Which might be why I haven’t been here much. I’ve been aiming for an easier version of myself. Easier for other’s to get along with anyway. And I for one don’t think that’s actually what adulthood is all about.
I’m tired of being reasonable and responsible. I’m tired of having to smile in grocery lines just to prove that peeps like me can be kind. I’ve exhausted myself, trying to keep my freak on a leash. I am so sick of representing the nice side of weirdness. It’s making me cranky. I’m becoming intolerable – to myself. For once I wanna tap into my moody teen bitch and bring her forth to get people to back up off me for a bit.
So I think for a while I’m gonna get loud again. I’m going to take up space and not apologise for it. I’m not going to smile on the days I don’t bloody feel like it. I’m not going to waste any more of my time making other people feel ok about who I am. Because no matter how ‘nice’ I dress, how much I cover up my tatts or god forbid, take my piercings out, I’m still me. I’m still the awkward chick whose foot lives in her mouth. Who laughs at the wrong time and sings off key. I’m tired of fighting my nature, just to be accepted by people I don’t even care about. So the mum jeans are going to the op shop, the hats and scarves that cover up this head of mine are going in the bin. In fact, everything I’ve ever brought and keep for the days I have to look the part is all going. Because I am the part. I’m me, in all my weirdo wonderfullness. So to the people who don’t want to be anywhere near it… please take yourself calmly to the nearest exit. It’s ok if you don’t like me, there’s no accounting for taste. But do shush on your way out, keep the hate inside and let it poison only you.
I’ve spent a long time making myself stronger, braver, truer. After all that work I just can’t fit back into the box anymore. So despite going back to uni, learning new skills and aiming for a whole new career… you can bet I’ll be showing up to job interviews as myself. Who knows? The world might just be ready for me now.
I guess in a nutshell it comes down to that old saying: Always, always be yourself. You may as well, becuase you’re not cut out to be anybody else.
Stay weird peeps,