I have depression, it does not have me.

I always want to post about mental illness, while I’m in the midst of it.  I kinda want to show people what it looks like from the inside.  This crash I’m having right now is ‘mild’ as far as suicidal thoughts or actual psychotic breaks go.  I would label this one as a depressive episode, without the accompanying psychosis.  Small mercies aye? Actually putting pen to paper is almost impossible when I’m sick though.  And yet I can always post to Facebook. It’s my lifeline.  So here’s a little snippet of my life over the past few days.  I hope it shows the value of honesty, courage and reaching out.  You aren’t alone. Some of these are my posts, and some of them are my tribe responding and holding my head above water for me.

Facebook post by me, Thursday night:

Down the rabbit hole I go. Stupid brain. Been hit hard with my stupid depression. I’m trying to use all the tricks of the trade I’ve learned and been taught, but it’s hard slog. On the precipice of deciding whether to tough it out and try to retrain my brain… or run to the doc and go back on meds. Good damn, it’s a heck of choice! Bye bye Bonnie and hello medicated Zombie —- or go through every aching moment, bad thought and shitty mood, hoping it will pass… stupid brain chemicals!!!!

it won't be ok

Then the awesome people around me comment things like this.  Bless their little hearts. They’re right there with me. They make me feel less alone and they remind to keep on living. Something as simple as sending a heart emoji of a Wonder Woman gif makes more difference than you probably think.

Friend Comment:

On the days I really struggle with anxiety and depression, I’ve found myself muttering this little speech. I may crumble, but not this day. Bonnie, not this day. We have your back 


And they left me some awesome meme’s too…


Later Thursday night I posted this:

It’s ok that I’m not ok. I will be, in a little while. Depression and anxiety is one hellova mix. It’s like having soul deep weariness and inertia, mixed with an overactive brain and a persistent, panicked dread. So kind of like being awake in a nightmare and not able to move.
The trick is to reach out, which used to be so much harder. Now I have this phone in my hand, and say what you will about tech, it connects me to people, grounds me and stops me from being totally cut off. You guys are right there, at the touch of some little buttons.
It’ll take some time, but I’m not alone, I can ride this out. Thanks for listening and sending memes and love. I’m a lucky chick.

darkness must pass

I also posted a few quick pics on Instagram, cos I live in social media world…


IG Caption I wrote right before bed:

Some days depression sneaks up and hits me over the head like a shovel full of concrete. It’ll take me a while to get back up.  But I always do.  Because once my ‘bad brain’ told me I couldn’t and I’m gonna prove her wrong every damn time.

#igetknockeddownbutigetupagain #iwillalwaysgetbackup @bonnknowsbest

This is what I thought Friday would be, me in bed with the covers over my head. Which is totally ok and necessary sometimes:

Hey all! Thanks for all the love. I’m currently in bed, listening to podcasts, resting my noggin, covered in cats. Of course Rose is right up close. It’s a shitty brain time, but imma be alright. I have depression, it does not have me.
Love ya’s xoxoxo

** Rose is my soul cat.  She’ me, in cat form, and always knows when I need a cuddle.

everything will be ok

By Friday lunchtime though, I had risen… a bit:

This is how my day looks today… and yeah, I’m in bed. It’s nice here though. I’m doing stuff I love, I got dressed and here’s the huge difference to crashes of the past —- I know, actually truly KNOW, that this will pass. I just need to ride it out, ignore my ‘bad brain’ and just keep on. I’ve learned a lot in the last year and I will keep fighting. I’ll have good days, bad days, and really really bad days. Days where it physically hurts to keep going. But fuck it, I’m here for a reason. Maybe it’s just to show the world what living like this looks like and that’s it not all tears and pills and cutting and dying. Sometimes, it’s just laying low and waiting for the storm to pass.

So yeah.  That’s a brief little look inside the life of someone like me.  It’s not like this for everyone.  And there are some things I’m not ready to share.  I will say that over the past few days I’ve cried more than I’d like to, laughed long and hard, been sent some lovely messages I haven’t shared here (just cos I’m really crap at asking permission), taken the meds I need and allowed myself some time to just let the dust settle a bit. I’m not ok.  This might be a brief stint in a downward mood shift, or it could be a tipping point into something longer and shittier.  I don’t know.  Brain chemistry is weird.  I do know that I’ll be alright.  I’ll be here for a long time yet and I will still be me.  I also have friends and family and cats and dope meme’s and podcasts and music and crochet and and and… more reasons than I can count.  Reasons to stay alive. Thank you.

xoxox Bon.

brain chemistry

5 thoughts on “I have depression, it does not have me.

  1. You are such a special, bright soul in this dark world. I know I’m all the way over here in CA, but just know I’m always rooting for you. I’m so lucky to have you in my life, and I cherish our friendship. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It must be hard for you. But I see from your title that you are fighter. Brain is a big mystery for us, for all people. Please, continue to fight, we all have a hard times, that is normal. But the real winner is the one who think he can .Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

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