3:45am and counting

I mean sure, I don’t mean to count the hours when I have insomnia. But I did all the things. I read for a reasonable amount of time and then snuggled down with a podcast. Which I listened to from start to finish. Huh. Usually I’m out before they finish the intro. Not a good sign, but ok.

I put my phone away, roll over, got reeeeaaall comfy and…. my mind starts to race.

Right here is where professionals might say, get out of bed, reset, try again. No tech, TV’s etc in the bedroom. Teach your body healthy sleep habits. Blah de fuckin blah.

Um nooooo. I’ve been there done that and it frustrates me to literal tears. So I’ll do a load of washing, fiddle around with some selfies, watch a crochet video or something reliably interesting to me, but not enough to make me alert. Just something on, something to point my face at so I can stop thinking for a bit.

I know I’m not going to sleep. That’s not ok, but it is what it is. Maybe I’ll nap tomorrow, might sleep really well tomorrow night. I also might not sleep well for a week or two. Doesn’t matter. I won’t die from lack of sleep (shush brain, I won’t!). I’m not actually being tortured, it’s nothing personal. It’s just a weird brain tick. Sometimes the most frustrating thing about insomnia is that there is no reason for it. I’m not upset, or worried or anything really. I’m just casually wondering where my essay is from second year uni and if that noise was just the fan or a crab scuttling across the wall with strangely rhythmic timing and if the washing machine really needs to sing for quite so long when it finishes a load…

So. I have time to catch up on sleep later. And time to be settled and quiet now with a video while the household slumbers on. I’m going to be ok. I will be ok. This won’t go on forever. Eventually I will sleep like I’m dead for hours and hours in a row. I’ll sleep so much it’s like I’m hibernating and so the cycle repeats. For now though, back to YouTube and time to turn off my brain for a bit.

Nighttime is a long time. But I’ve got time for it.

X Bon

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