Vale Bam Bam


Recently we had to say goodbye to our beautiful little trooper Bam Bam. She was our baby for 13 years and looked after us so well. Life is not the same without her. I’m trying to remember all the good things though, because she’d like it better that way. Mumma is sad Bambino, you were the best. Run free baby girl, no more pain. I’ll see you again one day 💗🐾

She loved to run for the pure joy of speed.

She loved to bark at the gate.

She loved to greet every visitor with excitement and big kisses.

She loved to see my car pull up.

She loved to sunbake.

She loved to wrestle.

She loved to chase her ball. Her love for her ball bordered on obsession.

She loved spare ribs from Pinkies.

She loved me from the day I met her.

She loved our kids when they came along.

She loved all the many many cats that came through our house.

She loved her weird little sister Nikki.

She loved belly rubs and cuddles.

She loved her friends.

She loved her life.

She loved us.

She loved.

Wake up Dancing

I wake up. My whole body hurts. They’ve told me why now. I don’t think the reason matters right now. I moan, groan and roll over. Stretch, yell while doing it. I’m getting this body ready for the day. I will not stay in bed. Fuck that noise.

I wake up with music in my ears. A tune stuck in my head. The vestiges of a dream. So I hunt it down on my phone. I turn that shit up. I get up. Turn my speakers on LOUD. Then I come back and I dance. Yep. Dance. It starts with raising my hands. I’m lucky I got so much booty to jiggle. I’m lucky my body hurts, coz that means I can still feel it. I’m lucky I woke up.

I shimmy, I shake, I shuffle. My body warms up. I stomp. Shake my hands, get them moving away that awful stiffness. I tap a thunderous two step. I jive. I put on Clairy Browne & The Bangin’ Rackettes. I scream out all the words to I’ll Be Fine. This Queen is awake and she’s rockin. Behind my bedroom door I dance my way into the day.

Because fuck depression.

Fuck chronic pain.

Fuck anxiety.

And most of all, fuck Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Cos I wake up dancing.

💋 Bon

Insomnia is my bitch now.


When it gets past the late night hours and turns into early morning and I can feel in my body that sleep ain’t coming for me, I used to feel a white hot rage. I was angry and I was so so so tired, I used to cry. Tears flowing I’d scream at my own brain, why are you being such a arsehole? Why deny me the release of sleep? Why? And I would hate my husband, for sleeping so deeply beside me that he snored. I’d hate anyone that could fall asleep easy and stay that way. I was so jealous I would spit at the sunrise and scream at the birds who welcomed it. But it didn’t help. I got weary right down to my soul. I began to think that if I died, at least I’d get some god damn rest. Rest In Peace? Fuck, what about just the rest part? 

I’ve studied. I know how long a human body can survive without sleep and it’s not as long as you might think. I know that driving tired is worse than driving drunk. I know that your memory suffers, damaging changes occur in your brain and your body just begins to zombie-fy (actual scientific term there, you’re welcome). What took me longer than I’d like to admit is the realization that none of that knowledge helped one damn bit. I finally figured out that biologically, eventually, without any real say from me, my body WILL conk out. I will get that blessed rest. I might sleep 1 night out of 7. I might be lucky enough to feel it coming, clear my schedule and get 15 hours straight stored away. I might sleep 10 nights in a row. Or I might not. But I will sleep. Nature dictates it.

So now I laugh. I do. I have a little giggle. Because insomnia can’t beat me. It just can’t. I’ve been battling insomnia since I was a teenager, and I realised the only way to win was not to fight it. I’m lucky even, to have these hours free and clear, all to myself. Everyone else is asleep, there’s literally nothing I need to be doing. So I do whatever I want. I log on, I binge watch entire seasons of my favourite shows, I read books, I listen to podcasts, I play endless rounds of addictive games and I try not to laugh too loud at memes. I catch up on social media, read blogs, study things that interest me and go visit all my favourite You Tubers.

I’m actually glad now that my husband is snoring, because at least it means he’s safe in bed and breathing. I spend time with my cats. Yep, I’m that lady. At least they know how to pass long nights, go hang out with mumma and listen to LeVar Burton read stories to us. I check on my little old dog, help her stay comfortable and share my midnight snacks with her. If my kids get up in the night, I don’t resent it. I’m already awake and can steer them back into the land of nod like it’s easy. Half the time I fall asleep doing it. Every painful ache in my body reminds me that I’m still here to feel it, and I’d like to think there’s a reason for that.

So if I had one thing to say to insomnia these days, far from screaming obscenities at the moon, I’d say thank you. Thanks for the extra hours. For all my beautiful online friends across the oceans who are awake when my local ones are not. Thanks for my hobbies, my ‘me’ time and for letting me learn to love my own company. I may add a little ‘oh, and fuck you very much’, but I usually save that for around night 3. I’m no saint after all. It’s a spectrum. 

Love your life peeps, 

💋 Bon.

Tomorrow

I have a mental affair with tomorrow. It’s a theme in my life. Cue the song from Annie. Thank me later. 
I don’t feel good today. Actually much worse than bad. Depression has that affect. But I have hope that I’ll feel better tomorrow. Or at least several tomorrow’s from today. Cos today sucks.

But by now I’m a pro at this shit.

I will hang on. Wait for the weight to shift, and the load to lighten.

I make plans. I book movie tickets. I text friends. I avoid the urge to have a fistful of Valium with a vodka shot. I plan my next tattoo, I add books to my wishlist – I call it putting happiness on layby. Because I’m not happy today, but I will be. 

Having something to look forward to helps. I make future plans and because I am a stubborn arse bitch and I will make it through this downward mood shift like I always do. I will be there in the future, watching the movie, getting inked, moving those books from wishlist to cart.

Today though. I still need to get through today. So I find a friend who’s home during the day (surround yourself with the jobless wandering weirdo’s of the world and you will always have a couch to day-time surf) and I present myself unceremoniously fucked up and linger. We laugh, sometimes I have a nap, or Netflix and chill (you know you’re a grown up when the meaning of that phrase changes). By the time I leave I feel better. I hope they do to. You have been visited by the Queen after all, be thankful. 

I do what I need to do.

I carry on.

I hold on.

I continue;

Love is Love

I was taught to stand up for what is right, even if I stand alone. This time I am not alone. I stand with my queer brothers and sisters. With my Uncle’s and Aunt’s, my friends and family and everyone I love who deserve the same legal rights to marriage.Wanna know what will happen if we amend the Marriage Act? There will be more marriages. Thats it. It has nothing to do with Safe School’s or any other hot topic political issue. 

The Marriage Act in Australia does NOT actually involve religion. No really, look it up. My church wedding and a court house Marriage use the exact same legal process. The only difference is the venue.

So, dust away any misguided ideas, do your research and stand with us. 

We stand for love. What do you stand for?


(Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi on their wedding day, 2008)

I have depression, it does not have me.

I always want to post about mental illness, while I’m in the midst of it.  I kinda want to show people what it looks like from the inside.  This crash I’m having right now is ‘mild’ as far as suicidal thoughts or actual psychotic breaks go.  I would label this one as a depressive episode, without the accompanying psychosis.  Small mercies aye? Actually putting pen to paper is almost impossible when I’m sick though.  And yet I can always post to Facebook. It’s my lifeline.  So here’s a little snippet of my life over the past few days.  I hope it shows the value of honesty, courage and reaching out.  You aren’t alone. Some of these are my posts, and some of them are my tribe responding and holding my head above water for me.

Facebook post by me, Thursday night:

Down the rabbit hole I go. Stupid brain. Been hit hard with my stupid depression. I’m trying to use all the tricks of the trade I’ve learned and been taught, but it’s hard slog. On the precipice of deciding whether to tough it out and try to retrain my brain… or run to the doc and go back on meds. Good damn, it’s a heck of choice! Bye bye Bonnie and hello medicated Zombie —- or go through every aching moment, bad thought and shitty mood, hoping it will pass… stupid brain chemicals!!!!

it won't be ok

Then the awesome people around me comment things like this.  Bless their little hearts. They’re right there with me. They make me feel less alone and they remind to keep on living. Something as simple as sending a heart emoji of a Wonder Woman gif makes more difference than you probably think.

Friend Comment:

On the days I really struggle with anxiety and depression, I’ve found myself muttering this little speech. I may crumble, but not this day. Bonnie, not this day. We have your back 

aragon

And they left me some awesome meme’s too…

 

Later Thursday night I posted this:

It’s ok that I’m not ok. I will be, in a little while. Depression and anxiety is one hellova mix. It’s like having soul deep weariness and inertia, mixed with an overactive brain and a persistent, panicked dread. So kind of like being awake in a nightmare and not able to move.
The trick is to reach out, which used to be so much harder. Now I have this phone in my hand, and say what you will about tech, it connects me to people, grounds me and stops me from being totally cut off. You guys are right there, at the touch of some little buttons.
It’ll take some time, but I’m not alone, I can ride this out. Thanks for listening and sending memes and love. I’m a lucky chick.

darkness must pass

I also posted a few quick pics on Instagram, cos I live in social media world…

motherfuckers

IG Caption I wrote right before bed:

Some days depression sneaks up and hits me over the head like a shovel full of concrete. It’ll take me a while to get back up.  But I always do.  Because once my ‘bad brain’ told me I couldn’t and I’m gonna prove her wrong every damn time.

#igetknockeddownbutigetupagain #iwillalwaysgetbackup @bonnknowsbest

This is what I thought Friday would be, me in bed with the covers over my head. Which is totally ok and necessary sometimes:

Hey all! Thanks for all the love. I’m currently in bed, listening to podcasts, resting my noggin, covered in cats. Of course Rose is right up close. It’s a shitty brain time, but imma be alright. I have depression, it does not have me.
Love ya’s xoxoxo

** Rose is my soul cat.  She’ me, in cat form, and always knows when I need a cuddle.

everything will be ok

By Friday lunchtime though, I had risen… a bit:

This is how my day looks today… and yeah, I’m in bed. It’s nice here though. I’m doing stuff I love, I got dressed and here’s the huge difference to crashes of the past —- I know, actually truly KNOW, that this will pass. I just need to ride it out, ignore my ‘bad brain’ and just keep on. I’ve learned a lot in the last year and I will keep fighting. I’ll have good days, bad days, and really really bad days. Days where it physically hurts to keep going. But fuck it, I’m here for a reason. Maybe it’s just to show the world what living like this looks like and that’s it not all tears and pills and cutting and dying. Sometimes, it’s just laying low and waiting for the storm to pass.

So yeah.  That’s a brief little look inside the life of someone like me.  It’s not like this for everyone.  And there are some things I’m not ready to share.  I will say that over the past few days I’ve cried more than I’d like to, laughed long and hard, been sent some lovely messages I haven’t shared here (just cos I’m really crap at asking permission), taken the meds I need and allowed myself some time to just let the dust settle a bit. I’m not ok.  This might be a brief stint in a downward mood shift, or it could be a tipping point into something longer and shittier.  I don’t know.  Brain chemistry is weird.  I do know that I’ll be alright.  I’ll be here for a long time yet and I will still be me.  I also have friends and family and cats and dope meme’s and podcasts and music and crochet and and and… more reasons than I can count.  Reasons to stay alive. Thank you.

xoxox Bon.

brain chemistry