(These are old feel an old note… but it has to go somewhere right? Cos I don’t want anymore).
I’ve tried to tell you a thousand times.
What it feels like to wake up disappointed that you’ve woken up.
To hate the new Spring sunshine on your skin.
To watch your child laugh and feel it echo through your empty heart.
To see the smile on your lovers face and feel exactly nothing in response.
How it feels to already be dead inside and how it hurts to pretend.
What it’s like to keep on struggling because people need you, want you, beg you to stay. How that doesn’t feel like love, it feels like a life sentence.
I’ve talked to you until I’m blue in the face, and your resistance to what I’m saying just makes it harder to stay.
I’ve showed you my scars, begged you to see. You turn my arm over, pull my sleeves down and shutter your own eyes to my pain.
I don’t want to be here.
You made me promise to stay.
So here I am. You’ve moved on because everything is fine now.
I’m sinking in the dark, treading water while you work on the future.
I could show you all the things I’ve done, all the work I’ve put in. To be standing here next to you, while you get busy. You turn you head to your phone and I’m standing here alone.
I give when I can. I take what I need. I write it down and bleed it out. I’m losing more than winning these days. I’m half way gone already.
I never wanted to be this way. I didn’t get to chose. It kills me that the only thing I can feel in this black void is anger.
I’m screaming at the night sky, my head ripped back in a full throated roar. You think I’m just looking at the stars.
I could tell you all these things.
But you can’t feel what I feel.
And so my words
Are lost on you.