Are you tired of this modern world?

I deleted Facebook last night. I had music playing in bed we both loved, until hubby started watching video snippets in his news feed. I turned my music up so he put his headphones on.

Husband beside me, turned away watching video’s while I drifted and remembered days where we would hold hands and whisper into the night.

I deleted the app, felt immediately lightened by relief and danced to the toilet. Then slept like a log. To be fair husband gave me the best cuddles as the fan droned and the night swam.

This morning I slept in. I reached for my phone and turn the alarm off. Stretching gleefully I had no notifications to check. No scrolling that’s supposed to last a minute as an hour creeps by.

I went and picked up something from a craft shop. Sat and finished The Haunting of Hill House while I cross stitched a Christmas present. Then I sewed my dress for a friend’s wedding tomorrow, worked through a pile of hemming.

Returned to the couch and finished an assignment for Uni, then made pork schnitzels for family dinner.

I am not a productive person. As an introvert I need to recuperate on my days at home. Mostly I crochet, read and nap to true crime podcasts. The most surprising thing when I quit smoking was all the extra time I had. Without Facebook I had more than an extra hour or so, I had a whole day. I didn’t even miss the meme’s.

To be perfectly transparent I kept Messenger. I have very important people I chat with daily in there. I have a Uni chat where we mull over essays and keep each other up to date. International friends who are so dear to my heart I couldn’t bear them to be out of reach. I learned from my last break from Facebook (which lasted a whole lonely day) what I need to be happy and stay in touch. Depression creeps in when I’m isolated and fills up all the spaces.

So now I turn my attention to finishing my assignments for the year, whilst getting my daily word count in for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). 50,000 word draft of a novel plus assignments while stitching a Christmas present? No worries.

As always, do whatever it is that makes your days better. As my water bottle declares: Whatever Makes You Happy – just do that.

So I shall chase happiness and encourage you to do the same. Because life is so damn short. Just look at the lines upon your parents face, or the ones upon your own. Is there grey hair in your dog’s beard and have those kids shot up since last you noticed? Fast. Like a one step march through history. Remembered by some, until time catches up with them too. So fuck being remembered. Just be happy. In the long run no one even minds. They’ll watch you waltz delighted through your days and probably join in.

Be you, be happy.

Stay weird peeps.

Love Bon.

Is the Apocalypse here already?

I never apologize for not being around on my blog much. Such is life.

And I’m still not here, here. But I’d do love being here. Which is cool with me. I checked.

I just have a puppy story I think is worth reading if you want a little grin on your face as you go about your day…

So today I have gotten up, dressed and promptly gone back to bed. Bed is good. I’m not sorry. But I do have to adult just a little bit today.

So I go outside to take off Little Old Nikki’s pajama’s, do some brain training with Crowley Puppy and feed them brekkie. After which Crowley got up to show me her bestest trick yet. Ready? It’s pretty great. It’s actually what woke me up this morning, but I just thought the world was ending and ignored it.

Crowley is proud to present —-

‘How to entertain yourself when you’re human is having a slow morning’.

Drag a half empty 20L water joey from Coles up the stairs… boom-boom-boom and then throw it back down again rumble-rumble-crrraaasssshhh.

She calls is ‘Random Apocalyptic Noises Using Household Items’.

She’s pretty proud.

I mean she sure knows how to find joy in recycling. And she’s using her imagination which is what any parent really wants to see in their kids.

Gotta love dogs. They have endless amounts of goofiness! And she’s shares all her achievements with me so I don’t feel left out. She’s pretty much perfect… to me anyway.

So good morning world! Glad that wasn’t the apocalypse after all. Carry on about your business.

I’ll just be over here. Hugging my dog.

X Bon

P.S Crowley was really worried when I said I was going to put up a picture of Nikki too.

Because we luvs her and donts wants the world to think that she doesn’t even knows how to chews up her bed.

I said it’s ok Crowley, we all have different hobbies. No one will think any less of your ‘little’ sister. Promise. 😉💕🐾

Down and Up

It’s been a rough week. Fibro is kicking my butt cos apparently it hates any sort of weather change… and it chucks the biggest tantrum if that weather change is Winter!

But it’s been good to go down. Because then I know I can and I WILL come back up again. Even if it’s tough and really sucky and it makes me literally cry… I have to know I will come out of it.

This is not going to be a long winded post, cos frankly I don’t have the wind for it! It’s just a post about a shitty couple of weeks. It’s about knowing it’s ok not to be ok. And not just because that’s a really catchy phrase. Because it’s true.

So, I’ve been properly down for 3 days straight, which isn’t that long physically, but Ive been feeling it loom for a couple of weeks… and that plays havoc with me mentally. Because when my body says ‘lie down and don’t move’! And my brain says ‘shhhhh you’re so tired you can’t speak English, time to sleep’…. it’s really fucking tempting to give in and let lovely lovely depression take the wheel. Because if the Black Dog takes over, I promise you I will sleeep. For daaaaays. And probably enjoy it.

BUT getting that beast leashed again is too damn hard.

So I get up. I feel out my bones and ask them if it’s a dancing morning. It is! Oh hells yeah!

I grab my big arse head phones. The ones that mean I can’t even hear my own pulse or breath.

I make my bed as I get my feet under me and start to pump up the music.

I listen to three songs.

1: We’re Killing Strangers by Marilyn Manson

Because it has a wicked fucken beat and he can soothe the angry beast. I can’t dance for shit, but I do anyway. And my body doesn’t move the way I’d like it to… so I’ve taken to doing a sort of interpretive dance. It uses all my muscles, it’s bang on the beat and it feels really good. I may look like an electrocuted pidgeon, but I feel as powerful and Childish Gambino.

2: Better Son/ Daughter by Rilo Kiley

Ohhhhh yeahhhh. Let’s bring it down, take it in and streeeeetch it out! This song gets under my skin in the best way. From the outside this sounds like yoga. I LOVE yoga, but again my body dictates what we do today. I’m cool with it, you silly old thing. So I take this bod o’ mine through a heavily restricted/personalized stretch sesh. And it feels gooooood. Take that OT, I AM doing what you suggested! Just… in my own way. Gold star!

3: Why Can’t I Touch It? By Buzzcocks

This one means it’s time to get up before I fall asleep on the floor. Get my inner, slightly less spry, Punk Bitch up and moving. Put the kettle on. Help my very old cat Nev through his morning routine.

I have to act like an adoring butler during this, or he gets offended and won’t eat. And I have to keep the other cats away from his food without making it look like I am. Oh, and give him privacy but be ready to open the door because after food comes the enormous need to evacuate… I won’t go into detail. Let’s just say we both regret it if I’m not paying attention.

I move through the house while the kettle makes it’s racket, just checking everything is ok, cos I’m gonna crash out in 5, 4, 3…

I make my cuppa. Tea should be made in calmness. I settle for raging loud mindfulness. I do it while I boogie to whatever comes next on my headphones. Then I sit. One must have 15 minutes to sit with a cuppa. Which is drunk black in case the sitting takes a bit longer and I need to nuke it hot again. Or drink it cold. Whichever.

And now I plan my day. My neck is saying NO MORE GIANT HEADPHONES! My heart wants to run and run. My aching body and says Calm Down. So we’ll get dressed, this oddball team of broken brain, bad ass chic and failing body. I’ll get us under the heated blanket. Bark up the laptop and do… something.

Or read.

Or watch Netflix.

Or wander around in the internet for a while, hug the cats, wait for the pain to fade.

Cos it’ll fade. If I’m careful, patient and work on not going crazy while I wait, it will bugger off long enough for me to walk the dogs. Or go to a market. Or whatever. Just be a big, pink haired weirdo outside in the world for a bit.

Not today. Maybe tomorrow. You all know how I feel about tomorrow… 🎶 🌞

Do you have Annie singing in your head yet? Has she done that bit where she says… The sun’ll come out… tomorrow? It’s so good. Oh, ready for my favourite part… You’re always a daaaaayyy awaaaayyyyy!!!!!!!

Hope you have that stuck in your head now. You’re very welcome.

Hoo – roo peeps,

Stay Weird,

X Bon

Rise Up

I’ve been listening to Andra Day’s song Rise Up on repeat lately…

(Click link to hear it in YouTube)

Because as Winter gets closer my fibro flares up, and so does my anxiety. Winter blues is a real damn thing. Especially if you have mental illness and chronic pain battling it out for attention!

So. I wake up. I stretch. I feel which part of my body is giving me the shits the most. I rise up. I make a cup of tea. I get dressed. I listen to music in my head phones, chuck the heater on aaaaand stretch. Move through some basic yoga moves. Test my memory from my PT stretches and go through as many as I can.

Move to a faster track and dance. Shake out these cold bones and aching muscles.

I might read. Visit a friend. Write. Hell, I might call my mum or just veg out on the couch.

Whatever it is, I find the happy thing and do it. Because I’m motoring along ok right now. But that never lasts.

So I focus on the joy. Which you can find anywhere, if you’re willing to look for it.

You can find it strolling down the street at a bus stop.

Or taking the SUV for a squirt down a muddy track with the dogs.

You can find it when you hit jack pot and take home a crochet blanket from the local Sunday market.

Or while watching Picnic at Hanging Rock on Foxtel and being swept away in nostalgia. Seriously, that show is like walking through poetry. Stunning visually and fans of the book will adore it.

You can find it sitting in front of the heater, thinking about reading a book, but really just lounging with the cats.

Or trying to do some work, but getting distracted by how cute the pup is when she snuggles with the grumpy old Nikki dog…

Or in photo’s of a rainbow neon city tunnel texted to you from a cousin…

Joy is in the small stuff. You gotta store it up.

Like a layer of blubber protects a whale through winter, so too will a layer of happiness be a cushion against bad days. And really bad days. Store up the good so you’re strong AF when the bad comes ‘atcha. It’s just good practice.

Trust me, I’m a Doctor.

Well, ok, I’m not. Just a mouthy chic who’s been on this tightrope now for nearly two decades. Yep. I’m old as hell. Ok, I’m still this side of my mid 30’s. But I got some mental health miles under my belt so just trust your local crazy lady ok? Layer yourself up in joy. It lasts longer that way.

Stay weird peeps,

X Bon

I’m a big big girl…

Reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed to adult:

* If left unsupervised I do very stupid things. Right now I’m sitting in my lounge room on a camp chair because last week I sold my couch with no viable back up plan.

* I totally gave up and let the kids eat all the chocolate out of their Advent Calendars for dinner if it meant I didn’t have to cook.

* I like animals more than people. My message bank says ‘please hang up and text me’. There’s also a sign on my door that reads ‘sorry I’m not good at people-ing’ and it’s not ironic.

* Today I had a 4 hour nap, woke up with a nap hangover, felt queasy and guilty and will definitely do it again tomorrow.

* If my brother doesn’t ask me what I feel like for lunch, I’ll forget to eat most days until 4pm.

* Most of my texts to husband person start with ‘ok, don’t be mad but…’

* I spontaneously acquire pets. I’m not ever sorry.

* I once got stuck in a laughing fit so badly I left work early.

* I often park ‘by braille’ in crowded car parks.

* I watch ridiculously scary movies and then make husband walk me to the toilet at night time… it’s 6 feet across the hallway.

* I got a bit excited about the easy money from selling my couch, so I sold all my book cases, then had no where to put all my books, so I sold them too.

* I say I’m becoming a minimalist but really I’m addicted to the excitement of selling things now… anyone wanna buy my stove?

* I got distracted writing this and decided to watch Rosehaven instead.

Tomorrow

I have a mental affair with tomorrow. It’s a theme in my life. Cue the song from Annie. Thank me later. 
I don’t feel good today. Actually much worse than bad. Depression has that affect. But I have hope that I’ll feel better tomorrow. Or at least several tomorrow’s from today. Cos today sucks.

But by now I’m a pro at this shit.

I will hang on. Wait for the weight to shift, and the load to lighten.

I make plans. I book movie tickets. I text friends. I avoid the urge to have a fistful of Valium with a vodka shot. I plan my next tattoo, I add books to my wishlist – I call it putting happiness on layby. Because I’m not happy today, but I will be. 

Having something to look forward to helps. I make future plans and because I am a stubborn arse bitch and I will make it through this downward mood shift like I always do. I will be there in the future, watching the movie, getting inked, moving those books from wishlist to cart.

Today though. I still need to get through today. So I find a friend who’s home during the day (surround yourself with the jobless wandering weirdo’s of the world and you will always have a couch to day-time surf) and I present myself unceremoniously fucked up and linger. We laugh, sometimes I have a nap, or Netflix and chill (you know you’re a grown up when the meaning of that phrase changes). By the time I leave I feel better. I hope they do to. You have been visited by the Queen after all, be thankful. 

I do what I need to do.

I carry on.

I hold on.

I continue;